introduction
hello bloggers! welcome to spread nelly's wing blog. yeah, this is a space where i write down all of my feeling, my life, my emotion and everything about anything. feel free to visit my entries, thanks for coming :)
just a long story of my life in my short world :)
nellyentries / aboutme / shoutbox / spreadfriends
hello bloggers! welcome to spread nelly's wing blog. yeah, this is a space where i write down all of my feeling, my life, my emotion and everything about anything. feel free to visit my entries, thanks for coming :)
profile
i was born in December 27, 1991 at yogyakarta, indonesia. what a lovely country with bad government system, unfortunately. my parents gave me Rr. Nuraini Dyah Rahmawati as my full name, but my friends call me nelly, don't ask me why just call me that way haha. i was the younger member in my family, 'cause i just have one big brother who two and a half year older than me. now it's just three of us which live together, my mom, my bro and me because my father has past away just one day before my 13th birthday. yeah! what an unforgettable gift for me but, there's no way for me to regret it. i have no reason to be mad with God, 'cause i realize that he just took my father! i still have my mom, my bro, my fam, all of my friends and i still have my own self. see? there's no reason for me to be mad with God because i had a lot of reason to be grateful :)
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i am not that strong
Tuesday, January 19, 2010 @ 4:04 AM
hey bloggers! jujur today is not my day
banyak sesuatu yang buat gw tertekan, yang bikin gw nggak ada feel sama sekali buat ngapa2in. harusnya di postingan kali ini gw nepatin janji gw buat posting the third note, but there is a lot of things that make me depressed yang semakin lama mungkn bisa bikin gw gila atau klo gw berpikiran sempit gw udah bunuh diri dari dulu banget kali ya, haha. sebenernya di posting kali ini, i want you to know more about me, who i really am? hehe, kan nggak lucu juga ya gw udah mosting note2 ini tapi kalian blom tau gw itu siapa. so maybe just talk about me okay? yeah ~ a lot of me
gw anak ke2 dari 2 bersaudara, gw punya kakak cowok yg beda 2.5 tahun dr gw. bokap gw ngasih gw nama Rr. Noor'aini Dyah Rahmawati. yups! gw ada darah kraton mataram dr ibu bokap gw alias nenek gw, yang blom pernah gw liat soalnya orangtua bokap udah meninggal duluan sebelum ngeliat cucu mereka.
semua ras nyampur di keluarga gw, kakek gw dr bokap asli orang india and my grandma asli jawa, jadi klo setiap lebaran ngumpul sama keluarga bokap rasanya kyk liat film2 india, haha. padahal dari muka, gw sama sekali nggak ada tampang india2nya haha! kenapa? belief it or not, soalnya nyokap gw keturunan madura, jawa, cina juga belanda! alasan bokap gw nyari gebetan orang cina karena pengen ngilangin garis keturunan indianya, for some reason.
bisa dibilang masa kecil gw emang kurang bahagia, haha. apa mungkin waktu gw kecil dulu nakal ya? nggak tau juga sih haha, yg jelas waktu kecil yg namanya dihukum sama nyokap bisa sampe berkali2 haha, didikan keras dari nyokap itu mungkin yg bisa bikin gw untuk berpikiran matang dan tegar.
tegar? iya sih, i wish. gw harap waktu gw kecil dimana temen2 yg gw punya cuma manfaatin gw, gw bisa tegar. gw juga berharap waktu gw punya masalah dan gw cuma bisa nangis dan nyelesein semuanya sendirian, gw juga bisa tegar. dan gw juga berharap waktu bokap gw meninggal, gw bisa bener2 tegar, but__
Letter for you Dad :
seneng juga rasanya waktu dalam keadaan koma beberapa hari sebelum ulang tahunku aku pegang tangan papa, aku bisikin di telinga papa buat minta kado supaya waktu aku ulang tahun papa udah sembuh dan bisa pulang ke rumah, dan papa ngangguk tanda "iya". akhirnya papa emang nepatin janjinya, dan dia bener2 pulang.
berat pa ternyata, buat nerima kado ulang tahun ketiga belasku dengan bentuk jenazah papa yg nggak akan pernah bangun lagi, yang nggak akan pernah ada di sisi aku lagi, yang nggak akan pernah bisa dengerin keluh kesah aku waktu aku ngerasa sendiri dan yang nggak akan pernah bisa ngeliat aku tumbuh jadi orang yg papa mau, selamanya.
aku mau tegar untuk mama, untuk kakak juga untuk papa. dan hasilnya cuma kyk artis profesional yg pinter akting di depan orang2 yg dicintainya tp berubah jd artis lawak yg cuma jadi bahan lelucon nggak mutu untuk dirinya sendiri.
maaf pa, aku nggak bisa jadi yang terbaik buat papa
maaf pa, aku nggak bisa ngebahagian papa semasa hidup
maaf pa, aku nggak setegar dan sekuat yang papa kira
i'm so sorry 'cause i'm not that strong, dad!
terribly sorry, it is too painful for me to hold this alone. even there was a view of people that wanna help me to hold it, but they slowly walk away and leave me here all ALONE just like you did.
aku butuh banyak belajar buat lebih IKHLAS pa, yg kelihatannya gampang tapi ternyata itu bener2 susah.
__setegar-tegarnya gw, sekuat-kuatnya gw, gw nggak akan bisa tahan lebih lama lagi klo gw sendiri.. bener2 SENDIRI
bener juga ya ~ orang yg kita sayangi adalah orang yg paling bisa menyakiti
saat ini gw dalam keadaan yg lucu dan bener2 menyedihkan buat gw, haha! rasanya pengen ketawa ngliat diri gw sendiri, just like a fool! a real FOOL
apa kurang banyak ya pa, apa kurang lama aku nyakitin diri sendiri? demi kebahagiaan orang2 yg aku sayang, supaya bikin mereka tetep ada di sini buat aku?
to make them stay here to help me hold on and stand up? they said, they walk away because of me. but, i do the best i could. i try to be there for them and try hold their hands but they just throw it away. but, they wasn't there when i need them. i try to listen to them, to understand them, but still maybe they want to listen but they don't want to understand. they said i was visible for them, but why i feel different? they said, they was there for me when i need them, but why i didn't feel so?
i always think about what i did to you that make you upset? until i'm tired, but
do you ever think about what did you do to me?
i ask nothing but, your UNDERSTANDING even it's just a LITTLE
what you gonna do, if YOU were ME? and
what i'm gonna do, if I were YOU?
God, this is just a little prayer from me to you. please take care of my father, give him a good place near You and please make me stronger, more stronger than before so i can stand up again, again and again.
Rr. Nuraini Dyah Rahmawati
January 19, 2010
sorry if i talk too much, like i said. i just need some space to share what i'm feeling,
next post! there will be the third note, actually can't wait till i can make a new note. thanks!
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